Dealing with Depression

Dealing with Depression

Dealing with depression and choosing to live; takes strength. I lay there, curled in a ball on the floor in an empty room of my home, not wanting to live any longer, questioning life and why anything mattered. In tears, I seriously contemplated ending my life. Thoughts of my children flooded my mind. How could I leave them with those scars? How could I leave them with the unanswered questions of why their mother had taken her own life? My love for my children and the fear of creating a lifelong burden for them was more significant than the pain I felt. The pain was temporary, and I knew it because I had felt it so many times before.

Battle of The Mind

Still, I lay there for a long time between feeling like I wanted to die and knowing the feeling would pass. Dealing with depression sucked, but choosing to live was the only option. I did not want to give up. There was something within me that did not want to give up.

Imagine falling into a deep, dark hole. You try to climb out because you can see shimmers of light above. However, as you start to climb, dirt falls into your eyes, and you lose sight of the light. Still, you continue to climb. It feels like you will never reach the top or get out of the hole, but the light is there, and your mind knows that if you continue to dig in and climb to the top, you will eventually make your way out. Dealing with depression is something I wasn’t sure I would ever overcome.

Trusting in God

Aside from my children, I thought about God. Although I did not have a strong relationship with Him at the time, I still believed He existed. I prayed and talked to Him occasionally. I knew that He did not want me to end my life. I instinctively knew because He had comforted me so many times before.  He must have a plan for me. I could not go on living like this and struggling for the rest of my life, could I?

I questioned everything as I lay there. I questioned all of the decisions I had made in my life up to that point. I questioned my worth. I questioned the very thought of existence in general. I questioned God. I questioned love. In those moments, nothing about life made much sense to me. Life is entirely different now, and the days of suffering feel like a lifetime ago.

If you have ever dealt with depression or anxiety, you may recognize the hopeless scenario. Don’t give up!! Little did I know as I was lying there on that floor that I would awaken to a new life.